Once again, a big thank you to everyone who completed the training survey in May’s edition of Re-engage Matters. Bereavement, grief, and loss was the second most requested training topic suggested by 64% of the volunteers who responded.  

It’s important to remember that Re-engage is a charity for socially isolted and lonely people over the age of 75 and that we’re not bereavement, grief, or loss experts.   

Most people experience grief when they lose something or someone important to them.  

Bereavement, grief, and loss can affect us emotionally and physically and it can affect our mental health.   

What are the common symptoms of bereavement, grief, and loss? 

• Shock and numbness  
• Physical pain  
• Depression 
• Seeing and hearing the person  
• Tiredness and exhaustion  
• Anger  
• Guilt  

What are the five stages of bereavement, grief, and loss? 

Experts generally believe that there are five stages of bereavement or grief, but it’s important to remember that everyone grieves differently.  

1. Denial – feelings of shock, disbelief, panic, or confusion  

2. Anger – feelings and behaviours such as blaming yourself or blaming others 

3. Depression – feeling tired, hopeless, or helpless  

4. Bargaining – feelings of guilt often raise questions like “if only I had done more” 

5. Acceptance – this does not mean that you like the situation, its about accepting your loss and being ready to move forward  

How do you talk to an older person who is experiencing bereavement, grief, and loss?  

Don’t worry too much about saying exactly the right thing. The feeling will come across and it is more important that you say something than that you find the perfect words. If you can’t think of the right words, here are some examples: 

• I don’t know what to say but I’m so sorry to hear this news. 
• This is heartbreaking – I wish I could be there to give you a hug. 

When you’re listening to someone who’s grieving, your role is not to fix their problem, but to be with them through their experience and it’s more important that you say something than worry too much about offending someone. However, there are some things that are usually best to avoid saying if possible. 

• I know how you feel - Every bereavement is different, and every relationship is different. Don’t compare bereavement to non-death losses such as divorce or a job loss.  

• It must be a relief in a way - Even if the person was suffering, or if the older person was in a difficult and stressful position, the loss of someone can be both a shock and incredibly painful. Relief may be part of what they feel but you shouldn’t make any assumptions. 

• At least you still have …’ - Nobody can replace someone who has died and it’s not fair to expect them to. The older person needs time to feel sad and to miss the person they’ve lost, even if they’ve other wonderful people in their life. 

• They would want you to be happy- A bereaved older person may not be able to help how they feel. Knowing the person who died wouldn’t want them to fall apart might just end up making the older person feel guilty. 

• Time is a great healer - Most older people do learn to move on with life and have happy times remembering those they’ve lost. But the pain of losing someone close will always be there. Feeling better can’t be forced and an older person in the depths of grief might not be able to imagine feeling better. 

Who can you contact for support for older people experiencing bereavement, grief, and loss?  

For help, support, information and to learn more about bereavement, grief, and loss contact Cruse Bereavement Support.